Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You Might Also Like
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I’m too immature for adultery.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
the duality of man
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.