Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

I enjoy a good short stor

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day