Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Going into Monday like
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?