Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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