Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

I’m about to risk it all

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same