Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Two
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Four
Tell the people what she wore…
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this