Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.