Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Received some very disappointing news today

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please