Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
The days of good grammer has went
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”