Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

Still my favourite meme.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”