[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Ironic
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.