Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Growing up was a huge mistake

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.