Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

craving $300 all of a sudden

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave