Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
at ease…shoulder.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
😂🍻
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.