jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
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Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
