Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.