Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.