[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
You Might Also Like
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
🤣🤣💀
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
lmfao come on
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.