[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
School be like
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.