[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
finally found a reasonable question
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?