Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.