Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.