Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

He is just living hist best little life 😊

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.