Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

(yawn)

i was baptized in a car wash

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you