Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
my nickname in college
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?