Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Bloody internet 😳

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Phones down.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

🤣

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Plant care tips

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.