Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

the only organized thing in my life is crime

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job