Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.