Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.