Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
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Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one