Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault