[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
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Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.