Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.