Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Y’all know who you are.

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked