Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Love is always patient and kind.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore