Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny