Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.