Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Mornin

I feel this so hard

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture