Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.