Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

pep talk

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
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*go back once more*

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.