Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in