Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.