jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
