jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
good morning
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
