All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED