Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”