Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
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Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
All. The. Damn. Time.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Milk Cube
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.