Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*lint rolls you awake*
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
When he asks for feet pics
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!