*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
You Might Also Like
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
get you a girl who
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening