*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
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Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.