Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

When ur friends with white people

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

your elf on the shelf was delicious

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Beware of fowl play.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations