Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

playing pool? you mean swimming?

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol