The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup