Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I saw nothing
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.