Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

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TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.


Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair


[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!


Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.


If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.


At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”


How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.


(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”