@ObviouslyJustMe

Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

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@Thing_Finder

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

@mattingebretson

Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair

@ArfMeasures

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.

@fridaycandy

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@OMGSoOverIt

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”