@gossipgriII
how do lawyers argue without crying
@ObviouslyJustMe
Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
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@gossipgriII
@Thing_Finder
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
@mattingebretson
Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
@ArfMeasures
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
@IanDouglasTerry
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
@Lisa_Laughs_
If you buy a house off Craig’s List, it comes with a free serial killer.
@HeelyHanson
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
@fridaycandy
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
@thatUPSdude
How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
@OMGSoOverIt
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”