Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
real
Everyone is getting idioter.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire