Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.