Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.