TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I falcon love using swear birds
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Current mood: Potato
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.