Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this