Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*