*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
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[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.