Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.