Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

What do you hear?

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

can you read it!!??

maan!

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*