Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Posting this on behalf of a friend

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?