Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.