Jesus steals the winter solstice
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes