Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.