Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.